Living

Someone once told me the best way to express you feelings is to write them out. For a long time now I have been holding these feelings all in knowing if I write them out I have to confront them head on at the same time. But there is a time you must overcome those feelings and let them go to be set aside as apart of your past.
I still feel the heart ache some days of when it first happen. That brings me to the point of tears and frowns. I think of you not as much as I used to but not a day goes past that I can say I never thought of you at all. It is hard feeling like you are the one being left behind but all it really is, is a new beginning. That is needed and necessary but some days it is hard to see that and overcome those thoughts when you look back on the good memories of what you once had.
With all the time and effort and love you put into everything. Knowing this wasn’t for you but it was just so comfortable and they made you feel safe and loved. Some days I just wish so badly you could feel and see what I do. And I would do anything for you to know what it is like to be me just for one quick moment. So you actually understood fully what it was like to try and deal with something deep going on in your life. Some days I just want to yell at you and tell you how much you hurt me and others days all I want is just to see you smile to know that you are truly doing ok.
Mixed emotions everyday, and as those become less and less, I miss them. But not really because no one should live in their past. Some times I think about if I saw you again what would I actually do, be speechless, want to hit you (I know abrupt), hug you, walk away, actually have a conversation or pretend I didn’t even see you. You know how people say “if you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say it all”. Most days this applies to you. You think you know a person, but do you really? Don’t get me wrong I am not bitter nor holding a grudge just trying to understood where your coming from fully. I still to this day do you not understand your logic in living life……Hide, runway…..Guess you wouldn’t know yourself…..
All these thoughts run through your mind and sometimes I wonder why I even think about someone who has hurt me so bad knowing the hurt comes along with the thoughts. In situations like these you come to realize how much you can care for a person or the extreme opposite. You see what is out their in the world for you and you take a hold of it or what you thought you had a hold of. Or maybe that is called being just plain naive.
I could write forever about this with all the time and energy I put into one relationship in life. But in the end let’s just chalk it up to a learning experience……I feel as I still have not got all my thoughts and feelings out about this but everyday is a new day!